I often feel cheated of a relationship with my parents. I’m thinking about my dad specifically today. I woke up wanting to hear music from the Andrew Lloyd Webber Broadway Musical, Starlight Express, a show we saw as a family in New York back in the late 80’s. I began to replace some of the lyrics with silly names we call the cats… found myself wanting to YouTube songs from the show. I found other people’s renditions and they weren’t quite the versions I was hoping to hear, but I began to listen to them anyway. The first two I just wanted to turn off… it was too painful to listen to, even though I craved to hear the entire song. It hurts because I’ll never really get answers to questions like, Why did you love musicals so much? Or even go see another Broadway show together.
Last night I was at a friend’s birthday and we were talking all across the board – birth and then it circled to death. I absolutely love deep + personal conversations like this; you really get a soul connected conversation when you can openly talk about these things. Soul connection is what I want in my life. Like my friend Polly says, she wants a job where she can connect with other souls on a daily basis and I’m starting to feel that to be more and more true for me. I want to connect on a soul level with others on a daily basis (among a list of other life goals, lol).
I was glad to find myself in the company of several others who had also lost their parents and had no fear talking about the gritty details. I think that’s what we really need sometimes. A place to talk about the stuff that is scary and weird, but completely necessary. I am thankful for the company I had last night.
October 14th, 2011 will be 7 years since my dad passed away. Around this time I usually have to start even more self care. Because he died the day before my birthday, I have to really be as present as a I can be while I wait patiently for my day-o-birth to come (this year I’ll be 30!). I usually spend the 14th mourning, but in recent years have bounced back on the 15th into celebration mode.
Dad, this one’s for you.