One of the gifts I’m giving to myself for mother’s day is letting myself be whatever I need to be. This means allowing myself to feel sadness and grief, if that’s what feels organic to feel. I’ve decided to surround myself with loving people today. This morning, I spent some time with one of my mother figures, Lori. She’s a sweet, sweet being. She’s chosen family, a mother I have known since I was 16 years old and have looked up to ever since.
On the way over to my partner Catherine’s mom’s house, I was uploading a few photos of my mom to facebook and I kind of just lost it. I was flooded with the feeling of wishing we were driving to *my* mom’s house and just burst into tears. Luckily I had asked Catherine to drive. I told her in the parking lot at Whole Foods that I just wanted to rub my feet and process mother’s day. She happily obliged.
All the prep work… it didn’t work at all! I’m thinking… but no, it did. I had bought myself some delicious and fancy olives and dolmades at the store. I had asked for Catherine to drive so I could just be. I had allowed the freedom of letting me decide how I wanted to enjoy the day instead of letting everyone else’s plans and needs decide… I had all my tools at my fingertips… my blog, a phone to text… a loved one to talk to. I had worked on some forgiveness… and here I was crying… but I was giving myself the freedom to cry if I needed to and that was a huge difference. Years past I would have pretended to be fine and maybe put on a smile and try to be present with everyone else enjoying their day or maybe curled under the covers on a sunny day, letting everyone else enjoy their day but me… I refuse to let emotions get the better part of my life. That’s why I’m determined to work through them. Because emotions are just energy that are there for information, but then need to move. So let me let them do their job.
So I discovered I simply just needed to cry! I just needed to feel bad for myself for a little bit and I needed to do some self-mothering.
My heart is actually still pretty heavy right now. I’m not cured nor will I be, but I plan to every time there’s something painful try to turn it into something positive. Today I am spending time with two lovely mother figures in my life and my loving partner-face, Catherine. I’m also mothering myself. Lisa – what do you need today? I’ll get you whatever you need. I’m here for you…
One positive thing about Mother’s Day for me? Apparently 2 years ago, mother’s day was so painful, I started this blog.
Mom, I miss you!!!!!! Send me a sign that you’re out there in the universe.
Sending love to all those who don’t have their mama’s this mother’s day.